The 20 years since the subway sarin gas attac.

It is March 11th, the day of the Great East Japan Earthquake.

With the sorrow and the pain of the crime that I committed, I savor importance of what's called life.

It has been nearly 20 years since the subway sarin gas attack.

I regained myself after losing sight in the Aum cult by the support of parents and many people after my arrest.

However, When I regained myself, there was nothing but the sea of sin that took the lives of others, and was plagued as far as my eyes could see.

Whenever I mention the hearts of people in meetings and letters, I cannot help but think what kind of life the victims and the bereaved families would have spent if the incident had not happened.

I feel that I am extremely sorry for the victims.

Why did I commit such mortal sin?

On the summer vacation of my third year in high school, I was deeply moved by Asahara(Chizuo Matsumoto).

"Nirvana means that we will become a drop of water.

The practical relief is that a clear drop of water melting into a great river as it is", Asahara spoke to the believers.

I strongly wanted to blend into a flow of a great river made of mercy as a transparent drop of water.

The wish became the origin of my activity in the Aum cult.

Asahara called the people who are a drop of water the "new breed of humans" which have achieved the development of spirituality by training.

And then he preached that the ”new breed of humans” will save mankind from Armageddon based on God’s intention.

Now, I think that believing in the idea of the “New breed of humans” is the essential reason why I committed such terrible sin.

That is because it is nothing but narcissism which excludes other people who have diverse values.

The training in the Aum cult made my narcissism more intense.

After my arrest, I learned that the mysterious experience I felt by the training was feeling the common form of human life.

I thought strongly that all creatures are equally kept alive by a big life, no matter how different the form may be.  

The original meaning of the training was to realize that the real world filled with irony is a mercy which is a big life’s work.

But then, I fancied myself as a special person from the mysterious experience, and strongly believed that Asahara’s teachings, not the rules of the real world, was the only truth.

And I committed the mortal sin by self-conceit that I could be allowed to do more things than others under the pretext of saving mankind from Armageddon.

I should have jumped not into “the great river of clear mercy” by my narcissism, but into the great sea made of various people’s lives which includes their agony and sorrow.

And at first with this body, I should have learned what loving someone was in the sorrow of living.

I intended to think it was my responsibility that I committed a crime until now.However, in the corner of my heart, there was an excuse that I could not help it because Asahara implanted me the fear of death, so I could not fix my eyes on my sin truly.

However, staring into the eyes of my death, I have begun to have awareness that I should assume all of the responsibility of the crime I had committed and the sin I had believed.

I cannot help but to pray that such a case never happens again.

　March 11 th.2015 Yoshihiro Inoue